The Hardest Question
by Kaki-kun
Summary: ...is why. Hatake Sakumo reaches the conclusion and ends his legacy with the item that gave him the title White Fang. Oneshot, Rated for T character death, RR


I was given the biggest mission in the last decades of my life.  
And I failed.

* * *

_I got a candle  
And I've got a spoon  
I live in a hallway with no doors  
And no rooms_

* * *

For their lives, I found more important than the crucial mission. They were held there, trapped, prey, could be taken at any moment for death, and I had the information- I had the key that would lead the battalion back home toward victory- but I couldn't go forward without those steps backwards.  
Backwards is never a place a shinobi is meant to venture.

So I've paid. I've paid, and I'm paying, and even Kakashi will pay. Those steps backwards lead to their lives being saved. Those steps backwards lead to our failure. Those steps backward… lead to the loss.

We lost the battle.

* * *

_Under a windowsill  
They all were found  
A touch of concrete within the doorway  
Without a sound_

* * *

There's no telling that we would have won if that information was present. There's no telling that I could've been ambushed on the way back to the base quarters, if that information could have been presented without any time to maneuver to use it for good. No telling if I could've arrive too late even if I hadn't taken those steps backwards, or even if we were able to use the information, that it was worth it.  
We were still outnumbered.

But it doesn't matter. They hate me now too, because other lives were taken. Lives. To save my friends, I gave up the possibility of saving those lives of the soldiers.  
They're all dead now.

All 174 of them.

One of them was my friend's wife, who took to the field as we took to the mission. We promised each other that we would get this information back. We laughed the night before, sat around grinning like fools over sake. That was all we could do.

And all I could do was break the promise for his life.

He leaves a kunai covered in blood stuck in my front door every night since the battle.

* * *

Someone save me if you will  
And take away all these pills  
And please just save me if you can  
From the blasphemy in my wasteland

* * *

How many kunai will there be before my sin has been atoned for? Do I seriously deserve to be locked in my own residence for my own safety, to keep riots and uproar down?  
Is it worth being a scapegoat?

Not really. My friends have turned on me now, they won't talk to me. Won't look at me. But it's better than seeing their faces filled with disappointment. With resent.  
They feel the guilt too. But everyone must endure their hardships on their own.

That is another way of the ninja.

* * *

How did I get here  
And what went wrong  
Couldn't handle forgiveness  
Now I'm far beyond gone

* * *

My son is so confused. He's too young to deal with this kind of treatment. He's receiving scorn from teachers and children and shinobi alike from his school, from just being in the town, from just existing. Kakashi knows this isn't right, he's always been a very bright boy that I have held much pride in watching him grow as a ninja and as a man.  
I feel bad now. He still looks up to me, he still defends me. But if he knew what I had really done, if he really understood the situation like everyone else, he wouldn't be boisterous in his defense of his father.

He'll be tired to the same tirade day after day soon. Slowly, he's becoming quiet.  
I don't deserve this kind of loyalty at this point they feel. I'd be damned if they took Kakashi away from me though.

It's my fault I betrayed the village. He doesn't deserve this treatment. For his love, I'd give anything to end this pain for him.

* * *

I can hardly remember  
The look of my own eyes  
How can I love this a life so dishonest  
It made me compromise

* * *

They won't let me take missions anymore. That's the most recent news. Before, it was just I couldn't take the position of the leader.  
Now I'm officially locked in here. Kakashi brings home the money from missions, Kakashi shops for food, clothing, necessities. I feel worthless, though I am now, a tool that has gone far beyond it's use, far beyond it's boundaries.

I can see his pain. I promised Kakashi when he passed the Chuunin exam that we would take a mission together. He was so happy, I could see it around his mask. He was beaming a pure light.  
How many promises did I break that day?

I've tainted it. Kakashi hasn't smiled like that in a long time. And it's my fault really. The war and the death toll, it is painful. But now, he has nothing to come home to. Just an empty shell of what I was before.

What I was before… Heh, they probably already took out my name in the bingo book. Worthless excuse of an existence.  
Nothing to live for, not even anything to defend.

* * *

Someone save me if you will  
And take away all these pills  
And please just save me if you can  
From the blasphemy in my wasteland

* * *

It's hard to accept the truth.  
I know what I did was right. And I also accept that what I did was wrong.  
What really I am is a victim to circumstance. And I see I'm leaving so much more for Kakashi through blood.  
He is the biggest victim of us all. And, my sweet darling, this must pain you to see.  
From whatever star you rest upon now.

* * *

Jump in the water  
Jump in with me  
Jump on the alter  
Lay down with me

* * *

Maybe someday Kakashi will see through this pain at the heart of the conflict.  
Through our souls in the stars of the night.

* * *

The hardest question to answer  
Is why

* * *

The most I can do for him is watch and pray.

* * *

Why

* * *

And free him from the pain of watching me decay.

* * *

_Someone save me if you will  
And take away all these pills  
And please just save me if you can  
From the blasphemy in my wasteland_

* * *

My sword. My faithful sword, what my name had become because of how it's white illuminating blade was never stained with blood no matter how many times it slashed through body and tissues and organs.

It's fit that my name will be what kills me.  
As long as it will never kill those I love.

* * *

Someone save me  
Someone save me

Somebody save me  
Somebody save me  
Please don't erase me

* * *

------

----

Song: Save Me by Shinedown

Um, one-shot little thing I did when I finally clicked the lyrics to a character. The song is just so powerful to me, the passion sung with "somebody save me, somebody save me, please don't erase me" just made me obsessed with it for a while. And when I first heard about Sakumo, the White Fang, from the manga, I seriously just broke into tears. The only time ANY anime or manga series had ever made me cry.  
So I always wanted to do a little tribute to Hatake Sakumo's suicide. Maybe not all the words of the song fit, but I tried. -shrug-  
Um, second attempt fic at First Person POV, which is actually starting to work out better for me. Surprise surprise.

Please Review!

(note1) The whole "He is the biggest victim of us all. And, my sweet darling, this must pain you to see. From whatever star you rest upon now", he's referring to his, well, wife, as I'd like to think, of Kakashi, who is dead in my opinion. Since this isn't ever revealed in the manga series, I decided it would be the best way to revel through stars.  
(note2) the sword thing I made up


End file.
